Wish You Were Here........

Anissa,

There are so many things I wish you were here for RIGHT now. Though I sense you all the time and believe that God lets you visit us sometimes its just not the same.......You were always the one who I could call just to sing a song I was hearing on the radio back from "the day" and you would chime right in and we would break it down right there on the phone. I was watching a new show called Dont Forget the Lyrics and thought how much fun we would be having playing phone tag during commercials singing to each other. I was telling the story the other day about us singing "Heavens Just a Sin Away" at church camp......lol We must know the words to thousands of songs. And every time I hear a song I either hear you singing along with me or if its a new song, one thats come out since you left us I think.....yep Anissa would love this one. I have written so much since you died that pages have turned into notebooks. Putting my pain on paper and making something beautiful out of it somehow redeems me for the day and I'm able to go on. People ask me how I'm able to do it and I dont know honestly. I just HAVE to do something since your not here and writing is what my something is. I'll forever remember and treasure me and you and Mom singing the night of Ashers party as we were cleaning up. Asher was leaning his head way over and looking so intent at us and taking in every note. Thats the last time we sang together. There are new songs in my heart now....songs of pain and suffering and remembering you. I want the world to hear them....I want you to hear them and since music is one thing I KNOW exists in heaven maybe you can hear them even now and sing with me one more time. My heart will always know what you sounded like even if my ears

can't hear a thing.

Love you....

Gunka

Written in Stone

Anissa,
I went to the cemetary Friday to see your headstone...............they finally got it all set.
It made me sad not just because of the obvious but because I realize that other than taking flowers to your grave, I can't really do much else. I know some people don't like going there and that's okay...........I go because I know you and it would be important to you to have it neat and presentable just in case people drop by. I wonder who else besides us goes by there if anybody.......I miss you so much I know there has to be others that do the same. I feel peace when I go there now. Not peace about you leaving or never getting to see you on this earth again but peace with myself, knowing that since the day you died I have done everything in my power to keep your spirit alive. I promise you I will always do this. No matter how many days or weeks or years have passed I wilk make sure this world knows who you are and how special you were. I love you always
Carrie

Lemonade Stands

Anissa,
The weather is warming everyday and today I was thinking about all the Lemonade Stands we had. We were sure the entrepreneurs weren't we? Mostly I remember you and Derenda running through the yard in your bathing suits through the sprinkler while I mixed the Lemonade, sold the lemonade. You were always the "manager" of everything we did and I never even realized it. All those times I thought I was the boss and you were really calling the shots. When we were done for the day at the stand you were there like a good manager to assess the days income and take your part straight down to the store where we would load up on candy and cokes. The thing that used to drive me crazy about you was the way you just took charge. And now one of the things I love the most about you is the way you took charge. Secretly I always wanted to boss you around but now.........I don't want to be the boss, the big sister, the one calling the shots. I want to be 8 again and you and me watching Price is Right eating Chicken Pot Pies in the floor in front of that big console TV with your foot stuck in the handle flipping it up and down. I want to be selling lemonade and watching you "stick" your landing on your front handspring and walking to the city pool to swim all day. I want the days when things were simple and carefree
and our biggest worry was whether we were going to get to go to the mall once we got the house clean on Saturday. Today as I flip through the photo album labeled "Our Childhood" that is here in my mind I don't find one bad memory or picture. I wonder how many other people can say that?
From Gunka With Love

What are the rules of grieving?

Anissa,
So many times this week I have thought "I've got to call Anissa" and then I remember I cant.
I guess if I had the courage to delete your phone number from my cell I wouldnt be as tempted.
What's the rule on that anyway? At what point do I delete you from my phone book. As crazy as it sounds it seems too final for me and I'm not ready to admit that I'll never get to call you again.
SO for now it's just going to stay there. Crazy as it is I even assigned a ringer to it like your gonna call me one day and I'll hear your Reba McIntire ringtone play "Fancy" and it will be you on the other end and all this will just be over. Truth is I know it will never be over and I'll never be over being an only child now. I missed you especially on Mother's Day. Dad and I went to the cemetary and I put a stone out that reads "Asher's Mom" yet it didn't feel like enough. I want to wake up every day and scream to the world that my sister is gone but I don't. Instead I have to decide to scream instead........ I'm still alive.
From Gunka With Love

Should've -Would've- Could've

Should’ve, would’ve, could’ve.. three words I’ve come to hate
All I can do is close my eyes and just eat what’s on my plate.
So many things I should’ve said or would’ve if I’d known
Now to tell you I looked up to you means looking down at stone.

Telling you how beautiful I always thought you were,
Just loses it’s delivery as I kneel here on the dirt
I thought I’d have another day at least another dance,
But as I stand here at your grave I see I missed my chance.

But just in case your listening I’m gonna get it off my chest.
You were my friend, you were my hero and as a sister you were the best.
You always saw my cup half full and forgave me no matter what.
Times when I was mean and hateful, you acted like you forgot.

You were the melody in my songs and the tissue for my tears.
You were the calm during my storms and made my grey skies clear.
You made me laugh when things were bad, when I felt like giving in.
And when I thought I was ugly, you saw a perfect ten.

This list could go on forever so I’ll stop at a few,
But I’ve decided when I grow up…………….I want to be like you!

From Gunka With Love...............
March 2007