Lemonade Stands

Anissa,
The weather is warming everyday and today I was thinking about all the Lemonade Stands we had. We were sure the entrepreneurs weren't we? Mostly I remember you and Derenda running through the yard in your bathing suits through the sprinkler while I mixed the Lemonade, sold the lemonade. You were always the "manager" of everything we did and I never even realized it. All those times I thought I was the boss and you were really calling the shots. When we were done for the day at the stand you were there like a good manager to assess the days income and take your part straight down to the store where we would load up on candy and cokes. The thing that used to drive me crazy about you was the way you just took charge. And now one of the things I love the most about you is the way you took charge. Secretly I always wanted to boss you around but now.........I don't want to be the boss, the big sister, the one calling the shots. I want to be 8 again and you and me watching Price is Right eating Chicken Pot Pies in the floor in front of that big console TV with your foot stuck in the handle flipping it up and down. I want to be selling lemonade and watching you "stick" your landing on your front handspring and walking to the city pool to swim all day. I want the days when things were simple and carefree
and our biggest worry was whether we were going to get to go to the mall once we got the house clean on Saturday. Today as I flip through the photo album labeled "Our Childhood" that is here in my mind I don't find one bad memory or picture. I wonder how many other people can say that?
From Gunka With Love

What are the rules of grieving?

Anissa,
So many times this week I have thought "I've got to call Anissa" and then I remember I cant.
I guess if I had the courage to delete your phone number from my cell I wouldnt be as tempted.
What's the rule on that anyway? At what point do I delete you from my phone book. As crazy as it sounds it seems too final for me and I'm not ready to admit that I'll never get to call you again.
SO for now it's just going to stay there. Crazy as it is I even assigned a ringer to it like your gonna call me one day and I'll hear your Reba McIntire ringtone play "Fancy" and it will be you on the other end and all this will just be over. Truth is I know it will never be over and I'll never be over being an only child now. I missed you especially on Mother's Day. Dad and I went to the cemetary and I put a stone out that reads "Asher's Mom" yet it didn't feel like enough. I want to wake up every day and scream to the world that my sister is gone but I don't. Instead I have to decide to scream instead........ I'm still alive.
From Gunka With Love

Should've -Would've- Could've

Should’ve, would’ve, could’ve.. three words I’ve come to hate
All I can do is close my eyes and just eat what’s on my plate.
So many things I should’ve said or would’ve if I’d known
Now to tell you I looked up to you means looking down at stone.

Telling you how beautiful I always thought you were,
Just loses it’s delivery as I kneel here on the dirt
I thought I’d have another day at least another dance,
But as I stand here at your grave I see I missed my chance.

But just in case your listening I’m gonna get it off my chest.
You were my friend, you were my hero and as a sister you were the best.
You always saw my cup half full and forgave me no matter what.
Times when I was mean and hateful, you acted like you forgot.

You were the melody in my songs and the tissue for my tears.
You were the calm during my storms and made my grey skies clear.
You made me laugh when things were bad, when I felt like giving in.
And when I thought I was ugly, you saw a perfect ten.

This list could go on forever so I’ll stop at a few,
But I’ve decided when I grow up…………….I want to be like you!

From Gunka With Love...............
March 2007